soup

sammy: good day, officer.

cop: good day, citizen.

sammy: kane.

cop: what?

sammy: nothing.

cop: anyway, what seems to be the problem?

sammy: well, my house was just vandalized… again.

cop: yeah, i noticed that when i drove up.

sammy: everyone does.

cop: i take it you’re not a rapist?

sammy: well–

cop: oh, wait, you’re that serial rapist! i read about you in the paper.

sammy: see, that’s the thing: i’m not a rapist.

cop: i’m pretty sure i read it in the paper.

sammy: yeah, so did i. i made them write a retraction, but it didn’t do any good.

cop: you’re probably right since people are still vandalizing your house. moving on… did you know i was in the paper once?

sammy: really? what for?

cop: i thwarted this bank robbery back in ‘98.

sammy: oh, thank you for that. you’re providing a wonderful service for this community. now, do you have any suspects in my case?

cop: well, pretty much everyone. nobody likes a rapist, you know?

sammy: believe me, i know. officer, you have no idea how hard this has been on my wife and kids.

cop: allegedly.

no one knows this, but my biggest musical influence is this polarizing, all-female rap troupe from the long island suburbs called northern state. after extensive study of their enormous lyrical warehouse, i’ve written some northern state-esque lyrics of my own, as a tribute. so, without further ado, here’s a joke that only one person might get:

there’s a spider on my wall
and i know what to do
i gotta give that arachnid
a good rap with my shoe

real hip-hop!
real hip-hop!
by “rap” dj sprout
means “real hip-hop!”
(repeat until song’s end)

i’m sorry to take all of the hype away from daniel’s song, but this simply couldn’t wait. speaking of which, daniel updated the song with the full version instead of the half-version that accidentally got uploaded that no one seemed to notice.

anyone know of any good places to live in l.a.?

and don’t you dare say the valley!

oh, and the first new song in over a year: “the ocean”, written by me.

to be a fun person, all you have to do is respond to everything someone says with “oooh, sexy!”

CONTEST ALERT HERE!!!!

here’s the deal: us guys at soup have never really been very outwardly appreciative of our fans. to make up for it, we’re going to hold a contest and put the winner’s face smack-dab in the center of our next comic!

to win, all you have to do is be the first person to answer this question:

why did the duck, duck, duck cross the road?

so, i guess this has become, like, a hobby or something.

the set-up: stacey and frank are on a date. sounds fun, but the set-up is… frank had to bring his friend, jim, with him.

THE THIRD WHEEL

jim: thanks for taking me out, guys.

stacey: it’s no problem. you’re a blast to hang out with.

jim: sorry if i’m being a third wheel.

frank: don’t worry about it. we’ll find you a girl for next time.

stacey: then we’ll have four wheels.

jim: like my honda civic.

stacey: uhm.

jim: i just feel awkward because it’s your third date, and you guys are probably gonna bang later.

frank: we’re not gonna bang.

stacey: not necessarily.

jim: you’re probably gonna bang in my honda civic.

frank: what’s your obsession with that car?

jim: you’ve seen the way she handles.

frank: that’s true, you were taking those turns pretty fast.

jim: i could’ve taken ‘em faster.

stacey: ooh, i know! next time we’ll invite my friend, karen.

frank: yeah, you’d like her, jim. she collects baseball cards.

jim: is she attractive?

frank: she’s okay. GROSS!

stacey: hey! no, she’s not very attractive.

jim: eh, she sounds too plain. i need a woman who’s… adventurous and impulsive and showy and impractical and sexy! kind’ve like my honda civic.

(note: although this is extremely convincing, it did not actually appear in a magazine.)

i’ll pay someone ten bucks to wash my car.

any takers? ten bucks? a little sun, maybe? chance to bring out the ol’ swim trunks? maybe a little suntan lotion here and there? don’t want to get too much sun. nobody likes a sunburn.

it’s your call. ten bucks. no, eleven… twelve bucks. best offer.