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sammy: good day, officer.

cop: good day, citizen.

sammy: kane.

cop: what?

sammy: nothing.

cop: anyway, what seems to be the problem?

sammy: well, my house was just vandalized… again.

cop: yeah, i noticed that when i drove up.

sammy: everyone does.

cop: i take it you’re not a rapist?

sammy: well–

cop: oh, wait, you’re that serial rapist! i read about you in the paper.

sammy: see, that’s the thing: i’m not a rapist.

cop: i’m pretty sure i read it in the paper.

sammy: yeah, so did i. i made them write a retraction, but it didn’t do any good.

cop: you’re probably right since people are still vandalizing your house. moving on… did you know i was in the paper once?

sammy: really? what for?

cop: i thwarted this bank robbery back in ‘98.

sammy: oh, thank you for that. you’re providing a wonderful service for this community. now, do you have any suspects in my case?

cop: well, pretty much everyone. nobody likes a rapist, you know?

sammy: believe me, i know. officer, you have no idea how hard this has been on my wife and kids.

cop: allegedly.